You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
