Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
