I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
