Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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