...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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