Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
