My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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