so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
