i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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