You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize