got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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