He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
