can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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