why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
