My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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