She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Please don't give away my fajitas
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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