I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
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