omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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