Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
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