i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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