Hey man sorry I got all grabby
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize