Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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