Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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