just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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