Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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