and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
We had to coat check the pizza.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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