just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Randomize
