Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize