Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
