Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
