Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
