Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
