Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
