Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
