we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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