I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
