i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I am never drinking with the goths again.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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