I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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