Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
