i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
