R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
