a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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