Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
