Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
