I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
