I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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