My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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