i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize