i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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