Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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