I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize