But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
