I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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