he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
