u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
