when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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