this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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