half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
