i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize