using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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