Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
