Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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