i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
