Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize