So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
