I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
