The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
my vag is so smooth its legendary
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
