She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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