She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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